Anonymous said: how are things with you? haven't messaged you in ages

Things are things. Living the life, whatever that means. What kind of life, that’s yet to be determined. You?

Anonymous said: I dunno. Everything so far has been funny. Soooo, tell us something serious.

Okay. Like what?

Anonymous said: Tell us more stories!

Okay. What do you want to read a story about?

Daycamp.

It’s 1997. I’m at an overnight, five-day summer Bible camp. I’m in a cabin with my best friend and three other dudes I just met who are complete assholes. Call me Moonpie because I’m a fatty. Be playing some game on a long, narrow, boxed rectangle where you roll pool balls to the other end to try to knock the other player’s balls off. Playing against one of my dick bunkmates. Girl he is mackin on is with him, watching us play. He knocks all my balls in and I lose. Girl says it looks like I have a few hidden in my shirt. Insinuating I have boy boobs. Tell her she looks like she could use a few in hers. That night I experienced my first atomic sit-up. 

Throwback.

it’s 2002. I’m a senior in high school. I wake up and go through my morning routine of falling asleep in the shower, etc. Mom leaves for work. Now is my time to shine. I stay home and skip first period so that I can poop. I go to school just in time for Spanish II. I stay for that and one more class, then I leave at 1:30. I hit up the Chinese buffet for $6.01 and that fat girl’s mom who works there sometimes gets in an argument with me when I tell her the Chinese lady that owns it not only lets me poop in their bathroom whenever I want, but she also lets that one cent slide. I take my $6.00 food to the card store, open it up, eat chinese and play Magic for hours. Justin, the owner, swings by and asks me if we’ve sold anything today. I tell him the creepy mustache guy in the blue shirt came looking for porn again. Justin then checks the customer tab sheet and notices I have ran up quite a tab. I now owe more than $200. He asks me what I bought and if I pulled anything. He stares at me so hard that he steals my soul and my body flies away. I go home and no one ever finds out that I failed my first period class because I missed so many times so that I could stay home and poop.

that one time.

hey, do you remember that one time when i dated a girl who was bulimic and she was a raving, crazy bitch? do you guys remember that? i remember that. that was cool. jesus god that was a weird relationship.

dating advice to take away from this: don’t date. period. that’s it. just don’t date. good thing i’m married now and don’t have to put up with that stupid shit any more. i wish i’d known then what i know now about dating. 

status

friday night status: dipping generic animal crackers (kroger’s letters and numbers, actually) into a tub of cream cheese icing while my dog licks his butthole juice that he leaked onto the carpet. 

accents - storms

(Source: Spotify)

Anonymous said: matty i have green short hair now and I must say I look more like a dyke than ever before

It’s okay. We’re all allowed to make mistakes. Like that one time when I pretty much did everything in my life. 

September.

It’s almost October. I’ll be 30 in fewer than four months. 

How about you?

rap.

i feel bad listening to rap. i mean, i’ve never sold dope. i’ve never been racially profiled. i’ve never lived in the projects. i don’t have any money. i don’t have bitches ranging in the multiple digits. why can’t rappers rap about things i can empathize with? like comcast being too expensive and forgetting why i went into the kitchen in the first place.

Mansions - Dig Up The Dead. Lost of Mansions lately. Lots.

(Source: Spotify)

in-the-floorboards said: They suck, but you don't like a lot of bands. Like when you said you didn't like Asking Alexandria, I'm not gonna lie, that hit me quite hard in the feels.

You’re right. I don’t like a lot of bands because there’s a lot of garbage out there. AA is just not my thing. See, that type of thing, you grew into it. I didn’t. It sort of invaded and caused this widespread plague of bands that all sound exactly the same. And you know that’s the truth. You can go on Youtube or Spotify or whatever and find at least 30 bands that all have that same AA sound. I’m not saying AA were, like, groundbreaking forefathers. They weren’t. I’m just saying they helped cause and spread the plague. AA, TDWP, OM&M, SWS. The list goes on. It’s become a genre where nothing new ever happens. It’s the same thing recycled over and over, whether by the same band or a new one.

To each their own, you know. You grew into AA. I did the same thing, only nearly 20 years earlier and with different bands. I’m old and set in my ways. Too old for this scene shit.

craigslist

i put a really old laptop on craigslist, and this guy has emailed me twice about it. but i won’t respond because he types in all caps and would probably kill me in real life. here’s the email i just got:

YOUR HP LAPTOP HELLO !!!!!!!!!!1 ON CRAIGSLIST HELLO ARE TOU THERE!!!!!!!!! HELLO I HAVE EMAILED YOU SEVERAL TIMES PLEASE CALL ME AT 615 XXX XXXX OR GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER IM ABOUT TO PURCHASE ONE ON EBAY IN LESS THAN TWO HOURS BUT RATHER DEAL WITH YOURS PLEASE LET ME KNOW SOMETHING ROBERT.

like, jesus. chill out. it’s a $60 laptop, not the ark of the covenant. god.

Anonymous said: You seem like a funny guy. You know, as much as I can tell on the Internet.

That’s because I’m the funniest person I know, and I know AT LEAST five other people.